Beautiful I am

“I am alive!”

“Who cares!” yelled a heckler, hidden in the crowd.

“I care,” She replied. “Yes, I care. I want to be alive, I want to be here. Performing for all you people, including the douche in the back.”

“I’ve gone these past few months wondering what’s the point of anything. Why am I here? Why do I do this? Does anyone even enjoy my act anymore? Do I even like it? It all felt pointless. But as I was sitting in the crowd, admiring my friends showing up and showing off, I felt a little spark again. Yes, I’m fricking alive and it’s beautiful.”

“So screw you, Stupid voice in the crowd, but more importantly, screw you, Stupid voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough. Because Beautiful I am!”

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Check out the song Beautiful I Am

Defeating the Ego

You, my darling, are beautiful
but you are not the centre of the universe.
Your sorrows are real,
Your grief and pain too,
But honey the world will not stop for you.

It will not bat an eye
when you are on your knees, bleeding.
It will not hold its breath,
During your suffering.

But darling don’t despair
Dig those heels in and stand tall!
Champion your case,
Keep hope alive.
Believe in you, that’s all you can do.

The Struggle Continued.

In my last post, several months ago, I wrote about my difficulty in finding the words and the nerve to say all the things I wanted to say. Well, it got worse from there, I hit the worst of it in the middle of the year. My self-indulgent pity fest had reached an all-time high, and I needed to reset. I thought I was going to delete this account and start over in a few years time when my life was back on track because it didn’t feel like it was going to be on a set course any time soon.

So why am I writing this piece now? Because today I have been inspired. While in the act of doing nothing, I became self-reflective. I thought about how much and how little has happened this year.

The Struggle

These are my confessions…

I haven’t been able to write anything new lately. It’s been a mixture of laziness, procrastination and intense amounts of self-doubt. The doubt tends to be debilitating where even when I have an idea, I won’t allow myself to start writing it until it is fully formed. But honestly, this has never been my method. I usually start writing whatever comes to mind and just go with it, then edit it into something coherent later. So waiting for a fully formed idea results in me forgetting what I was hoping to convey in the first place. It was also the thought that everything good has already been said, what could I possibly bring to offer. That was pretty much my experience throughout last year.

I hoped this year would be different. But it’s been over a month and nothing has changed. I’ve recently taken leaps in other aspects of my life so why isn’t this one ready to stick?

Why people like me shouldn’t have super powers!

In recent years, I’ve watched tons of superhero movies and I’ve been wondering what would I be like if I had special abilities. Not that I’m cynical or anything, but I think there are very good reasons why God made me this ordinary. Here are some that I was able to come up with:

I am

For the longest times, I’ve been struggling to come to grips with who I am. You know, understanding yourself enough to commit that person to paper and tell others exactly who you are. But I’ve learnt that that person, me, is constantly changing, a walking contradiction, and that’s ok. I’m still being learning how to be;

I am the sum of my parts,
the hypocrisy when my opinions change
the love when I empathize with strangers
the quirks that trip me up.
the insecurities and confidence that swing like moods.
I am the one who couldn’t care less,
yet the one that screams for approval
I am the sum of the people I love,
of the past I may regret, of the hopes I hold dear.
I am all of this.
I am mess but I am me.

-Temweka Chirwa

The Hate U Gave by Angie Thomas – A Review

Genre: Amazingly Diverse and Important YA

Rating: 4/5

Synopsis: The Hate U Give follows the life of sixteen-year-old African-American Starr, who is the sole witness to the murder of her friend at the hand of a White police officer. Starr must come to terms with her loss; while reconciling her two worlds i.e. the prep school she attends and the “ghetto” neighbourhood she grows up in; and hopes to find the courage to ensure that her friend gets the justice he deserves.

My thoughts: I cried, I laughed, I felt inspired, and I wanted to know everyone else who read it feel the same way. I flipped loved it. I don’t know how to write this without any spoilers. The book made me want to watch reruns of Fresh Prince, play some basketball and listen to Tupac. I’ve only realistically done one of those things and it definitely isn’t basketball.

New Year’s Resolutions

The sweetest lie,

“I will change at the stroke of midnight”

But we all know

Resolutions I couldn’t keep in July

Are resolutions I won’t keep in January

Yet, I still believe I can Cinderella my way into the New Year

Just need to find fairy godmother

My Year in Books

The end of the year is upon us… Some will say “Hooray!” Others will Boo, I’m just like “Meh!”

Anyway, I thought this would be a great time to have a consolidated look at all the books that I’ve read this year. Plus, I like making graphs and pie charts and analysing things. Win-win!!!

Firstly, I will go through my top 5 favourite books that I read in 2017. This is a very subjective list, and some of the excitement that I had initially may have subsided, but I believe this list to be an honest representation of my feelings right now on the 30^th of December 2017.

1. Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Love. Love. Love. Is all I have for this book. I have never cried such painful tears before. If you want to read more about me fangirling out over this book, you can check out it out here.

My Name in Books Tag

Hi,

I thought I’d do something different today. I saw this tag on Thrice Read, and it seemed like a lot of fun. I invite you all to try it if you’d like.

Here goes nothing…

T – Turtles All the Way Down by John Green

John Green’s newest novel since The Fault in Our Stars. It’s been on my mind lately, so it was an obvious choice. I’ve just started reading it, so excited.