The struggle

These are my confessions…

I haven’t been able to write anything new lately. It’s been a mixture of laziness, procrastination and intense amounts of self-doubt. The doubt tends to be debilitating where even when I have an idea, I won’t allow myself to start writing it until it is fully formed. But honestly, this has never been my method. I usually start writing whatever comes to mind and just go with it, then edit it into something coherent later. So waiting for a fully formed idea results in me forgetting what I was hoping to convey in the first place. It was also the thought that everything good has already been said, what could I possibly bring to offer. That was pretty much my experience throughout last year.

I hoped this year would be different. But it’s been over a month and nothing has changed. I’ve recently taken leaps in other aspects of my life so why isn’t this one ready to stick?

I’ve declared 2019 as my year of growth and relaxation. Shonda Rhimes has her year of yes, I have my relaxation. I’ve always known but only recently became aware of how stressed I am as a human being, I get really anxious about all sort of situations, some of which don’t matter in the end.

Thus, with the help of random horoscope readings, I decided I need to grow more confident, assertive, maybe a little more easy-going but most important grow to recognize habits detrimental to my mental, physical and psychological health, ie take a break when necessary.

So far it’s been going well. I moved across the country to study something completely new. I’m socializing more, I’m now hearing my voice more often out loud instead of just in my head. I’ve applied for jobs that I’m either under- or overqualified for (fingers crossed). Just trying to do the most!

So why is it, that even with this new resolve, I struggle to open Microsoft Word, or pick up my writing notebook. I can’t say I don’t have the time, my schedule is still very open. Most of the advice blogs I’ve read on the subject simply say “Keep Writing”, well, if I could keep writing I would, and I wouldn’t feel so stuck!

Anyway, 378 words later, I don’t remember the point of this post. I think it was just to try to keep writing even when it seems pointless. No stories, no advice, just the random thoughts of a journal entry. Thoughts I needed to say out loud or at least type out of me.

I hope I will feel better about writing soon and find the stories I want to tell, and the words to tell them. I believe there’s at least one good story in me so I won’t give up just yet.

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Why people like me shouldn’t have super powers!

In recent years, I’ve watched tons of superhero movies and I’ve been wondering what would I be like if I had special abilities. Not that I’m cynical or anything, but I think there are very good reasons why God made me this ordinary. Here are some that I was able to come up with:

Continue reading “Why people like me shouldn’t have super powers!”

I am

For the longest times, I’ve been struggling to come to grips with who I am. You know, understanding yourself enough to commit that person to paper and tell others exactly who you are. But I’ve learnt that that person, me, is constantly changing, a walking contradiction, and that’s ok. I’m still being learning how to be;

I am the sum of my parts,
the hypocrisy when my opinions change
the love when I empathize with strangers
the quirks that trick me up.
the insecurities and confidence that swing like moods.
I am the one who couldn’t care less,
yet the one that screams for approval
I am the sum of the people I love, of the past I may regret, of the hopes I hold dear.
I am all of this.
I am mess but I am me.

-Temweka Chirwa

The Hate U Gave by Angie Thomas – A Review

Genre: Amazingly Diverse and Important YA

Rating: 4/5

Synopsis: The Hate U Give follows the life of sixteen-year-old African-American Starr, who is the sole witness to the murder of her friend at the hand of a White police officer. Starr must come to terms with her loss; while reconciling her two worlds i.e. the prep school she attends and the “ghetto” neighbourhood she grows up in; and hopes to find the courage to ensure that her friend gets the justice he deserves.

My thoughts: I cried, I laughed, I felt inspired, and I wanted to know everyone else who read it feel the same way. I flipped loved it. I don’t know how to write this without any spoilers. The book made me want to watch reruns of Fresh Prince, play some basketball and listen to Tupac. I’ve only realistically done one of those things and it definitely isn’t basketball.

Continue reading “The Hate U Gave by Angie Thomas – A Review”

My Year in Books

The end of the year is upon us… Some will say “Hooray!” Others will Boo, I’m just like “Meh!”

Anyway, I thought this would be a great time to have a consolidated look at all the books that I’ve read this year. Plus, I like making graphs and pie charts and analysing things. Win-win!!!

Firstly, I will go through my top 5 favourite books that I read in 2017. This is a very subjective list, and some of the excitement that I had initially may have subsided, but I believe this list to be an honest representation of my feelings right now on the 30th of December 2017.

  1. Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Love. Love. Love. Is all I have for this book. I have never cried such painful tears before. If you want to read more about me fangirling out over this book, you can check out it out here. Continue reading “My Year in Books”

My Name in Books Tag

Hi,

I thought I’d do something different today. I saw this tag on Thrice Read, and it seemed like a lot of fun. I invite you all to try it if you’d like.

Here goes nothing…

T – Turtles All the Way Down by John Green

download

John Green’s newest novel since The Fault in Our Stars. It’s been on my mind lately, so it was an obvious choice. I’ve just started reading it, so excited. Continue reading “My Name in Books Tag”

My name is magic

I believe in the magic of names, and mine means “The one we love”

My name suggests that an encounter with me might change your life,

One interaction with yours truly will render you unmistakably in love.

 

A name passed down through the generations of my family,

How do I live up to playfully wisdom of my great-aunt?

Or the ‘take on the world’ charm of my aunt?

The living legends of my name’s past.

 

No!

 

But I didn’t want to be loved by everyone,

Not by people who didn’t really know who I was.

They didn’t know that I was flawed and prone to stumble,

Or that on some days I wasn’t very lovable, not even a little bit, not even at all.

 

So I made my universe smaller,

One filled with people who would love me

Even if my name wasn’t magic

 

 

 

 

Love, a beautiful infinity

Once upon a time, I had believed that if you could list all the things you loved about someone, you didn’t really love them, least not completely. Because in my quite feeble understanding, Love shouldn’t or rather couldn’t be quantified.

Love is this abstract concept, an immeasurable force, much like infinity. We created a scale simply to ease our vast ignorance to its majesty.

So if you ever succeeded in counting my favourable qualities, and everything you adored about me could fit neatly on a piece of paper. Then I would be convinced you didn’t love me enough. For if this love was true, and you dared to quantify it, you should be counting for all eternity.

***

 

But maybe this was just an excuse. A way for me not to truthfully appreciate the depths of my love for you. If I simply assumed my love was endless, I didn’t have to prove it. I just accepted it as true and expected you to do the same. Now I realise that that was not enough.

I love you, I honestly do. I feel it everywhere within me, through the shivers that run from the warmth of my heart down to the tips of my toes and upwards, creating a love-drunk haze in my head.

Once I tried to put in words all that you meant to me, I realised I just how much I need you, how much I want you. How unique this feeling in this moment with you is.

So even with the few things about you, I was able to commit to paper, I knew our love was immeasurable and I was content with the evidence of it.