These are my confessions…
I haven’t been able to write anything new lately. It’s been a mixture of laziness, procrastination and intense amounts of self-doubt. The doubt tends to be debilitating where even when I have an idea, I won’t allow myself to start writing it until it is fully formed. But honestly, this has never been my method. I usually start writing whatever comes to mind and just go with it, then edit it into something coherent later. So waiting for a fully formed idea results in me forgetting what I was hoping to convey in the first place. It was also the thought that everything good has already been said, what could I possibly bring to offer. That was pretty much my experience throughout last year.
I hoped this year would be different. But it’s been over a month and nothing has changed. I’ve recently taken leaps in other aspects of my life so why isn’t this one ready to stick?
I’ve declared 2019 as my year of growth and relaxation. Shonda Rhimes has her year of yes, I have my relaxation. I’ve always known but only recently became aware of how stressed I am as a human being, I get really anxious about all sort of situations, some of which don’t matter in the end.
Thus, with the help of random horoscope readings, I decided I need to grow more confident, assertive, maybe a little more easy-going but most important grow to recognize habits detrimental to my mental, physical and psychological health, ie take a break when necessary.
So far it’s been going well. I moved across the country to study something completely new. I’m socializing more, I’m now hearing my voice more often out loud instead of just in my head. I’ve applied for jobs that I’m either under- or overqualified for (fingers crossed). Just trying to do the most!
So why is it, that even with this new resolve, I struggle to open Microsoft Word, or pick up my writing notebook. I can’t say I don’t have the time, my schedule is still very open. Most of the advice blogs I’ve read on the subject simply say “Keep Writing”, well, if I could keep writing I would, and I wouldn’t feel so stuck!
Anyway, 378 words later, I don’t remember the point of this post. I think it was just to try to keep writing even when it seems pointless. No stories, no advice, just the random thoughts of a journal entry. Thoughts I needed to say out loud or at least type out of me.
I hope I will feel better about writing soon and find the stories I want to tell, and the words to tell them. I believe there’s at least one good story in me so I won’t give up just yet.